Health hazards with risky humour

A personal disaster occured to me of late when I was beaten black and blue by a gentleman who thought I was rediculing him. I regretfuly recall that I had innocently, and in retrospect, needlessly commented ( eh..my usual stuff!) on my friend's blog. The subject was re-remotely connected to this gentleman. Other learned Professors, including Prof.Alexander were also there to give company. All of us were put in our respective places by this gentleman who taught us that our poor "jwaaakes" will not be tolerated by him. Consequently I suffered a shock. I spent the next four hours in deep meditation in a den, alternately called as my room. I got enlightenment. I pass on the gospel on 'risky humour' to the society at large....
A voice from the heaven told me that Humour is defined as the ability of people, objects, or situations to evoke feelings of amusement in other people. Its a form of human communication which makes people laugh or feel happy.
The voice then startled me with the revelation that sense of humour is the ability to experience humour. This referred to as First Law of Humourology.It depends on variables like geographical location, intelligence, culture, maturity, level of education and context. For example, young children particularly favour slapstick( as in cartoons) while satire tends to appeal to more mature audiences.
The next revelation was the Second Law of Humourology. It states that jokes are funny only when told the first time.(ie. mostly..unless its too good a joke or ur audience is too dumb.)
Intense Meditation then revealed to me that the important ingredients in humour:
The relevance factor.
The surprise factor.
The novelty factor.
For example:
A man speaks to his doctor after an operation. He says, "Doc, now that the surgery is done, will I be able to play the piano?" The doctor replies, "Of course!" The man says, "Good, because I couldn't before!"
Hope u get it. No? Forget it.
Humour is of various kinds but I'll just move on to my favourite kinds of humour...ie. the risky variety which could pose problems:
Sarcasm, Irony, Surreal humour, Satire, Stereotypes, Droll humor, Anti-humor and Nonsense jokes....Good, did I give u a fright? Read on to be further terrified...and yes, these are the most dangerous of all humour!
Sarcasm is sneering, jesting, or mocking a person, situation or thing. It is expressed as over-emphasizing.To understand sarcasm requires good general intelligence and better social intelligence. Sarcasm can be difficult to grasp in written form and is easily misinterpreted. To prevent this some people end sarcastic comments on the Internet with an emoticon emphasize words with italics, bold, and/or underlining. But that can also kill a joke!( But again, it can land u in trouble as I did crash land the other day!)
Irony is a gap or incongruity between what a speaker or a writer says, and what is understood.
"You have the face of a pig" is sarcasm: "Your face is so beautiful..... for a pig" is ironic.
Surreal humour is a form of humour based on bizarre, absurd situations, and nonsense logic.Probably the most common form of surreal humour is the non-sequitur, in which one statement is followed by another with no logical progression.
The learned Prof.Varghese Panamthundil Alexander specialises in this. Yeah, Karthik's limericks too show this quality! I'm also a fan of this style when you just don't have to follow time or logic. (Thus you can have Sonia Gandhi& Maneka Gandhi intervening to stop India's partition in 1478.)
Satire is a mode of challenging accepted notions by making them seem ridiculous.It requires an opponent who is sensitive to feel the arrows of wit levelled at him.On the other hand, some works of satire are so subtle in their exaggeration that many people take it seriously true.(Again, a problem that I encountered the other day!)
Priya often does beautiful satires...I remember one in which she ascribes inanimate things with motives and intentions. It is not necessary that one should have a underlying inner meaning as in The Animal Farm by Orwell.
Droll humor is an often dry, witty form of humor that elicits laughs through amusingly odd, sometimes zany behavior or speech. Due to its more subtle nature, this type of humor is not commonly used by comedians.An example is gven below...
I'm alone in the House. I hear strange noises at night like creak, groan and "Prasanth, I'm going to kill you." ...So I remembered what my mother told me, "Whenever you feel afraid just whistle a happy tune... [whistling] ...then I felt a hand around my throat and a voice said, "Thanks. I thought I'd never find you in the dark."
Anyone reminded of Sowmi shtyle?
Anti-humor is a type of indirect humour that involves the joke-teller delivering something which is deliberately not funny, or lacking in intrinsic meaning. The audience is expecting something humorous, and when this does not happen, the irony itself is of comedic value.
Anti-jokes may rely on deconstruction of the joke, deriving comedy from the unexpected or inappropriate use of technical language
It could sometimes cross over and become a meta-joke:
"Three blind mice walk into a bar. Hmm...They are unaware of their surroundings, so it would be irresponsible to derive humour from their predicament."
Yeah, Varghese does that too!
Nonsense jokes lack intrinsic meaning, and become funny simply because they are absurd:
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
A: A slice of soup about this color. (said while indicating some width with one's hands)
Made any sense? Precisely. Funny? Well, it depends on the delivery mechanism!
Stereotype Often a stereotype is a negative caricature or inversion of some positive characteristic possessed by members of a group, exaggerated to the point where it becomes repulsive or ridiculous.
Stereotype production is based on:
Simplification
Exaggeration or distortion
Generalization
The innumerable Sardarji jokes are based on this variety. Ever heard of a Sardar taking offence to it? Just imagine a proper well built Sardar pouncing on you.....its not that they can't repond. Its just that they are too good and are really fun loving guys with great humour sense!
Not all groups are like this. And there are individuals who are very intolerant of criticism and who lack humour sense proper! So beware...
So, one can easily sense that my preferred kind of humour is....well... sort of dangerous. If I overuse it, it's like chilli, it will burn the entire stuff. A little here and there spices things up but you don't make many friends by sprinkling it in everything. And unfortunately if anyone with a "differently abled" sense of humour comes in the way, you are doomed!

True History revealed!

The true history hitherto unrevealed and suppressed by vested interests is finally exposed!
It is usually the vanquisher and the winner who scripts the "History" and it is his version that finds a place in history books and school text books. Now, for the first time in World History, the independant and true version of History is brought to you without fear or favour to any section, race, nation, sex or ideology. This shall be presented to the world community as a lecture series on this blog. World famous Historians, Prof. Varghese Panamthundil Alexander & Prof.Prasanth Nambron. (myself-editor) shall provide expert guidance and advice. Other visiting experts can post their learned comments. It shall be incorporated into the minutes of the discussion as the lecture proceeds.This World Historians Meet shall be a churning out of truth, ultimate truth.
The introductory Episode shall deal with Modern World History. The moderator is Shrimati Lahari. An extract of the preliminary discussion is hereby produced:
Lahari: Welcome gentlemen. Sirs, could you provide a picture of India's partition? Were the Britishers to be blamed for this? Then why do we hate Pakistan more than we hate the british?
Prof:V.P.Alexander(PVPA): Lahari, YOU GOT YOUR FACTS COMPLETELY WRONG.. This is what really happened: When Jinnah asked for a different country in 1940, pakistanis supported it, But gandhiji opposed it. Later with support from Bangladesh, Pakistanis got Jinnah to form a new country which also got a part of Kashmir. Later after independance India fought a lot of battles with China to get a part of China and later traded that with Pakistan to get that piece of Kashmir from Pakistan. Its still not resolved because China is asking for US mediation in this while India is asking for SriLanka to mediate in this issue. I HOPE NOW THINGS ARE A LITTLE CLEAR TO YOU.
Prof.Prasanth.N(PPN): We need to understand the historical facts correctly. Prof.Alexander has given a slightly lopsided version. He has put the bulk of the blame on the Bangladeshis while it were the Sinhalese population settled in Punjab who initially supported Jinnah.The Sinhalese were initially linked to the Trincomali based LTTE which then played a vital role in co-ordinating India's partition.And when Rajiv Gandhi opposed this, he was killed. Despite strong protest from Sonia Gandhi and Maneka Gandhi, India was partitioned.We shud also remember at this juncture that Chinese guns were used by the Vietnamese soldiers against the Americans.Subramaniam Swamy had opposed this also among many other things.Despite this, India lost the test series in Pakistan.On other facts, I agree with Prof.Alexander.
Lahari: Thank you Sirs. I am enlightened. Now, why is cricket between India & Pakistan such a big issue? Why are we backward in most games..any historic reasons?
Prof.Prasanth.N(PPN): See, Brits not only arranged cricket matches but also hockey,kabbadi and kho kho between communities to prevent unity...this called "Divide & Rule Policy". After the Brits left, nobody conducted these, and thus we became backward in sports.Thus infact our backwardness in sports is due to the abrupt leaving of Brits...This has occured all over the world. In such a condition the sportspersons are referred to as "Subsidiary aliens". This causes real backwardsness in sports.
Prof:V.P.Alexander(PVPA):But there is one good thing that Britishers did, driving India backwards, India went so backwards that India started getting medals in Swimming backstroke event. In 1969 Olympics, India's Chitra Iyer became 4th in 97m women's Backstroke event. The best timing by any Indian woman in Olympics. She is currently playing in Indian woman's football team in Left back wing position.
Lahari: Thats indeed exciting.... Historically speaking how do you see Chitra Iyer's performance in the last century and in this Millenium?
Prof.Prasanth.N(PPN): We need a Geriatric approach to understand this. Chitra Iyer was indeed fabulous in the 1969 back stroke event.Her coach who had endured mild strokes earlier migrated from Pakistan through South Korea to coach her.
One trivia which most people do not know is that Chitra Iyer, besides being a wonderful Left back wing player of football, excels in Full back position in the current womens Hockey team under the pseudonym of Lata Mangeshkar.We owe a lot to the Brits for all these backwardness.
Prof:V.P.Alexander(PVPA): Yes...and Prof.Nambron you would recall, recently Chitra Iyer was selected for the Women's cricket Team under the pseudonym, Shobhana George. Its a positive development.
Prof.Prasanth.N(PPN): Just imagine...Chitra Iyer who won a medal in 1969 Olympics is playing in the current Hockey, Football and Cricket team under the pseudonyms. Its thrilling for some. But some eminent sports persons like Arjun Singh have called for communal representation in the teams and to restrict the games played by Chitra Iyer. This is known by the term" Reservation" in Contemporary History.
Prof:V.P.Alexander(PVPA): Some religious bigots have termed Chitra Iyer's inclusion as the cause of drought in Rajasthan. Infact it is the attempt of upper caste Thakurs of the village to somehow push in their grand mothers into the team at the expense of Chitra Iyer. This process is called as Sanskritisation.
Lahari: Sir, could we wind up the introductory discussion with a summation of the direction of International politics as viewed by a Historian...
Prof.Prasanth.N(PPN): Current trends of International politics are deeply linked to the 1962 Cuban Missile crisis.I would like to stress the point that Bangladesh was ultimately responsible for the cuban missile crisis. World over, the established Historians have absolved them of this crime. The silly argument that they raise is that Bangladesh was formed only in 1971. As intelligent Historians we should observe that the difference is hardly 9 years, which is not such a big gap. India was not at all involed because we were busy fighting with Chinese shepherds at that point of time.
In short, the current trends, based on deductions based on the 1962 crisis shows that US-Iran alliance will emerge stronger and pose a greater challenge to Israel-Saudi Axis. Though the USA has been demanding right to self determination, it is very unlikely that Mozambique would grant it easily.Mozambique as a super power would be accepted all cross the world, even by Papua New Guinea.
Prof:V.P.Alexander(PVPA): I broadly agree with it. But I feel the events should be observed from the view point of LTTE rebellion in Assam. Geographically, Assam being close to Canada and Italy will cause major problems in South East Asian Markets.
Lahari: Thank you Sirs. Now the plenum is opened for other delegates to share their learned opinions...students of History can also ask their doubts concerning Modern History in this plenum.

An ex-minister's day out

Maramandan Tripathy was thoroughly tired.He struggled to avoid the waiting reporters as he came out of the meeting with his supporters. He could hardly walk. But his brains were still working at a maddening pace.How could the prime minister behave like that to him! After all, he too had a stature and political standing of over three decades.He was far senior to the PM in politics.The PM was just a dragon fly visible since last monsoon...yet he has the temerity to ignore and punish him like this. Uh!
First of all, he was removed from the cabinet. Now he was being implicated in three more cases besides ofcourse his son, as usual, being chargesheeted in another four cases. Though a man of eighty five, Mr. Maramandan Tripathy had always been the most visible and active of all ministers; he had been a master campaigner and organiser, tough negotiater and a master strategist for all elections.But now? Now he was an isolated entity within the party. The opposition would have nothing to do with such a tainted ex-minister. He had nowhere to go and only a handful of supporters.
As he walked across the Janpath road towards his car,pushing aside the waiting reporters, he heard a female voice. Startled he turned around....the voice was from across the high wall to his left. He was shocked to hear what the voice said....the voice was repeating monotonously, " 45...45.....45...45...ha ha ha ha" The laugh was hysterical.
$45 million was the bribe money he took to allow the import of Armenian perfumed coconut violating the country's long standing tradition of not importing perfumed coconut.In 1962, after the Chinese invasion, the then PM, J.L.Nehru had taken this strategic decision to bring down government spending and national extravagence.Maramandan Tripathy, though of the Nehruvian mould, violated this foreign policy paradigm as well as other Nehruvian policies. But that was for the party and for himself.For money basically.
But now he was shocked to hear people hiding behind walls making fun of him by shouting aloud his bribe money...this was too much.All that he wanted now was respect. He was too old to fight for power or money.He looked at the numerous press reporters. Were they jeering at him? Insult was something he could never take.Maramandan Tripathy took a deep breath and turned towards the wall.
" Abbe kaun hai..saamne aa.." He dared,"himmat hai to saamne aa.."
"45...45...45..hahahaha....45..45....45.."
Tripathy's old voice crackled,"Abbe...baahar nikal.."
"hahahaha...45..45..."
He rushed towards the wall. The gate of the compound was locked from outside.The voice went on making fun of him.He was utterly helpless. This was the most insulting phase in his entire political career.In front of the press.....thoroughly humiliated. Placing his hands on the wall, he moved about frantically,badly wanting to crush the originator of the voice. The voice meanwhile went on shouting, as if to irritate him more and more.Finally he spotted a small 1 inch hole on the wall. With a twinkle in his eyes, he moved towards it and thought,"Now! I'll see who this bitch is....I'll fix her later."
As Tripathy peeped into the hole on the wall, something suddenly pierced into his eye.
"Aaaaaaaaaagrh......" Maramandan Tripathy cried out in utter pain as he fell back." Meri aakhen...aaaooouu..."
Someone had poked a twig into his eys.It was bad. Really bad and bleeding.
A huge crisis had developed. The ex-cabinet minister had been attacked.The entire government machinery swung into action.Maramandan Tripathy was immediately rushed to the AIIMS. Live interviews with Ophthalmologists were aired on all channels.The news papers were searching for appropriate pictures of the eye ball. The PM expressed shock. The President declared his pain and anguish. An investigation was ordered.
Meanwhile, the site of the incident was cordoned off. The activities around Janpath died down slowly. By 12.30pm it was almost silent. One voice could yet be heard in the stillness of the night, a female voice which monotonously repeated," 46...46..46...ha ha ha ha.." The laugh was indeed hysterical.

A Dummies guide to Kerala Elections

The whole nation seems to be interested in the elections in Kerala.( really?) Here is a guide for the uninitiated, especially non-mallus.

Main protagonists:
0. The father, son & party.

1. Oommen Chandy ( Oo-man Chaan—dii) & party.

2. V.S.Achuthanandan (Achoo—thaa—nan—dan) & party

3. Other broomstick parties ( explained below)

4. Particle parties whose existence is subject to speculation.

Meet Shri.Karunakarji, the father of K.Muralidharan ( like u say, the father of the nation). He is the pivot around whom the state politics revolves, or so he thinks. I had the good fortune to meet him the other day. This young octogenarian exuded confidence that his party would come to power. On being asked to specify the name of his party, he appeared confused…..finally he retracted the initial statement and denied having met me at all. But boy, he is a man of pucca words and immense integrity.

He left the INC on ideological differences. Recently he realised that his basic ideology is his own son. Thereupon he returned to strike a deal with the INC. The good boy Karunakarji has thus joined the incumbant CM, Oomman Chandy (Oo-man Chaan—dii) to toil it out at the hustings.
Btw, his recently formed party is known by the name DIC(K).( The Election Commission permits such names too..?? ) A particular section of movie makers from the US have expressed their support to his new party.

Now meet the leader of opposition, Sri.V.S.Achuthanandan (Aa--choo—thaa—nan—dan, as in Ma—oo—Tse--Tung) who is busy celebrating the closure of yet another factory in his home town. During leisure time he pulls down plantain crops and cuts down coconut trees. Why? Well, he is protesting against other crops being grown in paddy fields, as a result of which agricultural workers lose jobs! He has promised much more if he comes to power. He also plans to kick out the IT companies so that people return to manual labour. This will also ensure that his party has enough working class members. But alas, he has problems in reaching the gaddi of CM.

Mr.V.S.Achoo’s fate is unique:
When he wins the election, the party loses.
When the party wins, he loses.
In short, he never became the CM.

His close friend in the party Pinarayi Vijayan ( Pi-na-rai Vi-ja-yan, as in Che-gue-ra) is working hard to make sure that this time also poor V.S.Achoo doesn’t make it to the Assembly. So much for camaraderie within the party!

Then there are various broom stick parties. They are named thus on account of their singular structure and resemblance to any one strand from a broom. Here we can see the hard working politician taking up the role of President, General Secretary, MLA and Minister all by himself as he alone can represent his party. (Obviously, because he/she is the only member!) These parties exist only because of the fact that they are attached to either of the two major entities..
The third force in Kerala politics exhibits particle nature. It is known by the name Bhajappa in north India and as BJP down south. Minute particle. Period.

CNN-IBN reports that malayalis are enthusiastically rushing to the polling booths to make a choice from amongst the above wonderful options.

I just hope the voter turn out doesn’t cross 100%.

Murgi kyu kukduku karti hai?

Tera chehra kitna suhana....
Dedicated to my favourite, the great, one and only Jagjit Singh. (May he survive this)

Achi murgi mil jaye to, us pe shayari kardenge..
Murgi dekho kismet wali,waqt ane par dufna jati hai..
Kitnom ko ye sammaan milega, Quam hame yu dafnaye

(These gaps are intended for chorus "wah wah")

Sarkar ye kitni rangeeli hai,Murgom pe yu beharba hai,
Berehmi se Marenge aur prem se dafna bhi denge...

( chorus "wah wah")

Murgon ki hum baat kare to, sharm se aakhen chuk jaaye
Inki biradari ke kitnom ko, besharmi se hum nigal gaye

( "wah wah...khoob farmaya aap ne..")

Na sudhre hum, na sudhrenge, khane ko phir ayenge
Lekin kya hai, phir bhi dekho, murgi bole kukuduku...
hai..hai..Murgi bole kukduku..

( "wah wah...kya baat hai...lajawab..bahut khoob")

Indian Adukkala Service?

8th April, 2006.Union Public Service Commission,Dholpur House, New Delhi.
The donkey gained audience of the Lion king for the second time. ( Prologue: The Holy Biography of a Donkey )
The Lion's board consisted of 4 other members. The donkey braved the initial roars of the lion. A creature from eastern jungles who had exceptionally opaque dentures asked the donkey whether he had studied International law.
Donkey:No saaar.That wasn't my option in my LLB. course.
creature:Must be interested in it though..
Donkey:No saaar..not at all.
creature: Then u must be loving Constitutional law..
Donkey: ehaw ehaw...
After the creature proved the donkey's incompetence in any form of law he roared in utter staisfaction. The only human being on the board,Sri.Lalit Man Singh, then asked a few sensible questions which were answered based on the donkey's past interactions with other human beings, especially the Dhobi.
A lady with an abnoxious look carried the conversation forward.
Lady: Beta, u have a red banana in ur State? Tell me why it is red?( wow!)
Donkey: Yes Maaadam, we have red, yellow and green banana. But I dunno why it is red.( Still thinking why there is no black banana.)
Lady: Explain the banana stem in layman's language...
Donkey: The lower portions of the leaves fuse and form a fleshy cylindrical mass that attaches itself to the soil by means of underground roots there by making it an erect structure, though the fleshy stem expels water like fluid upon incision, essentially proving that the stem is basically standing on its own purely on will power...
Lady: bas kar beta bas....Just tell me what u had for breakfast..
Donkey: Puttu and kadala.(grams)
Lady: what?
Donky: err...Puttu and banana( aha..she'll ask me where kadala is cultivated. No way, I'd rather have banana!)
Lady: Beta, how do u make puttu?
Donkey: Maaadam, take a cylindrical vessel and fill it with raw rice flour and some coconut gratings.Apply steam through it..
Lady: bas beta bas..tell me how do u make Idly..
Donkey: ( do I look like a cook..) Well, take a metal plate with depressions which shall hold the preospective Idlies in the form of fermented dough of a particular consistency. Steam it.Eat it.
Lady: How do u ferment it beta?
Donkey: Put in yeast Maadam.The Fungus will ferment it.( Yeast in Idly? My Mathaji said "Ayyo")
Lady: Acha acha..( Will try this recipie on my hubby) What do u eat for lunch?
Donkey:( Geee..I think I'm being short listed as a chef) Rice Maaadam.
Lady: Only rice? Will it be balanced diet? What protein do u take Donkey beta?
Donkey:Fish Maadam.( no grams,no soya bean...hell, again I dunno where these are cultivated ...I'd rather have fish) And we catch it from water.
Before the Lady cud move to Dinner, the last member, probably hungry by then took the baton. He asked some things which the donkey noticed to be passing precisely a few centimetres above its cranium. Since the donkey could not possibly convince him, he tried his best to confuse him. He looked sufficiently bewildered at his answers.
By then two of the board members were very hungry and two others badly wanted to rush to the urinals. As a courtesy gesture, the donkey withdrew from the room after proper salutations and hew haw.The Donkey was mighty impressed with the Board. Wonder what the board thought of him.
The sure casualty of the story is the Lady member's hubby.

Buddha's Delight

From time immemorial I was a pure veggie. Then on a historic day, that my mother did not care to record, I became a non-veg eater. This happened in the late eighties. But in the mid nineties, I reverted to vegetarianism upon seeing gruesome pictures of butchered cows and goats. As a child, my heart bled for those animals and I joined PETA. Maneka Gandhi even wrote me a letter.
After six long years of vegetarianism, one fine evening I turned into a chicken eater.
That was in Bangalore. My friend and I were the only mallu male students in the batch and we happened to be the darlings of the senior mallu chechis. They found their long lost kumbh-mela brothers in both of us. One evening, a ChechiX, (name withheld) decided to throw a special party to celebrate her engagement.(The sad part of the story is that Chechi’s engagement very soon broke up. She eloped with a computer operator without finishing her house-sourgeoncy…) This wonderful Chechi had a prominent role in dismantling the viswamitra in me who had resisted temptations of chick(en). From then on, for months on end, I conducted a Digvijaya, pouncing upon all varieties of chicken.
Finally on an unrecorded date, I again became a vegetarian after seeing cages full of poultry pushed and shoved into a truck. I was reformed. If I had seen anything more I might have stopped eating completely and taken sanyas. I was reminded of Sidhartha Gautama who lived in the 6th Century BC. History repeats itself, very true.
Unlike the Buddha, my reformation was short lived. The period of sinning too was short lived as I found an article by Maneka Gandhi so moving that I quit non-veg food completely. For three months, precisely. Then I started eating chicken and quit reading Maneka Gandhi completely.
You must nevertheless understand that I never venture out on my own to start sinning. But once the first sin (aadi paapam) is committed, I’m very good at sustaining it. By now, I had learnt that to continue as a sinner, one should avoid looking at unpleasant sights and stop reading uneasy articles. One can train the senses and the memory not to disturb our conscience. It is an art. I entered the new Millennium as a confident sinner against the winged species.
In my gastronomic career, my greatest enemies were my own friends who poke fun at me during my non-veg period by quoting my own ‘great advices’ rendered during the veggie era. And when you are running a veggie period its very authenticity is put in question. The past few years saw me function as a troubled pendulum. The frequency was/is however undetermined. ChechiX and Maneka Gandhi are infact two symbols of culinary beliefs fighting within my subconscious mind.
“So, what is your current status?” When I dine with my friends I’m confronted with this wicked question and I can sense the iniquitous humour in the question. They term my frequent shifts in culinary habits as ‘chicken hearted’. That’s okay with me. Speaking of current status, I was a pure sincere vegetarian until I dug my teeth into chicken at my cousin’s marriage last week. (anyone tasted Thalassery Biriyani? Nothing like it.) There after I continued my sinning spree for the next two days…was just beginning to enjoy.
And then bird flu hit India :-(

The Holy Biography of a Donkey

Once upon a time there was a donkey who lived in a jungle by the riverside. The donkey had many friends.

Many of his friends were vultures and eagles. One of the vultures went as far as Nepal to learn tearing flesh. Many of his other friends were foxes who chased ambulances.
An ostrich was also his friend. He was employed as an officer in the Lion King’s police force. Another friend was a mongoose who was a software engineer in the forest across the river. Many migratory birds who studied with him were now settled across the river. They also claimed to be in software profession. Another un-identified animal, though not a bird, was associated with flying objects.

The donkey initially joined a course to become a vulture. But since he was a donkey, he left the course mid way. The donkey was also trained to chase ambulances. Again, since he was a donkey, he felt he should not behave like a fox.

The donkey always felt that he should be employed by the Lion. Finally the Lion called him for an interview. Throughout the interview, the donkey brayed to entertain the roaring lion. But since he proved to be an excellent donkey, the lion did not appoint him.

The next year, the donkey prayed that he be given another chance by the Lion King. The buffalo who loved the donkey prayed to the God of the Jungle. The buffalo also firmly believed that the donkey was capable of getting the job with the Lion King.

The question before us now is:
Was the buffalo also becoming a donkey…?

Aam Aadmi Ki Baath

SCENE 1:The cabinet minister in charge of backward classes in Uttar Pradesh, routinely smuggles narcotic drugs to Delhi in his official car; and he charges a reasonable amount of 20 lakhs for transporting 1crore worth of drugs in a single consignment. He admitted so on TV in yet another cash-on-cam exposure by CNN-IBN channel.
SCENE 2: The Minister-cum-smuggler cannot be dropped from the ministry, informs the Chief Minister, since a Committee appointed by the Speaker has to first investigate and submit a report. The CM has promptly sent a letter to the Honourable Speaker, of course through proper channel, requesting him to appoint a Committee to investigate the issue.
Now, can you just imagine the dimensions of injustice meted out to this Minister?
The poor man will have to continue as a minister without getting speedy justice. Ordinary people however would have got instant dismissal and remand to jail. You see, India’s system is heavily loaded in favour of the Aam Aadmi (also referred to as Mango man). it doesn't provide timely justice to the previleged.
This is despite what the government refers to as democratisation of all sectors including crime. We have given the criminal elements an equal say in the maintenance of law and order while other nations have always ignored their rights, instead solely focusing on the policemen. We’ve also voted the criminals into the Assemblies and the Parliament and then proceeded to make them Ministers. It ensured direct democracy to the most under-represented group, viz. criminals.Previleged criminals continue to remain the target of injustice as they do not get their rightful government accomodation and food.All these steps have empowered the Aam Aadmi (mango man again) and reduced the voice of the wealthy classes in governance.
The World Bank funded developmental loans have always referred to consultation and involvement of the affected parties and stake holders. Non-governmental organisations (NGOs) are to be actively involved in all activities including crime. According to an unnamed official, India has now successfully developed an implementation model of these proposals in both letter and spirit. According to Prof. Duryodhan Nambiar, noted management expert, this could also be seen from a system- perspective and be labelled as a bottom up approach where the ugly bottom of the society is displayed prominently. (Ugly is a subjective concept and it lies in the eyes of the beholder. It is also a relative concept. For example, if the top is uglier, the bottom becomes pretty.)
But as explained below, the system is favouring a section called the Aam Aadmi.( mango men) Injustice is rampant in every sector of the society as far as other sections are concerned. Though we have succeeded in introducing crime in the entertainment industry, we have not yet succeeded in ensuring speedy justice to the protagonists at the top. And at the top it is pretty lonely.
We’ve a famous music director by name of Nadeem, who as per Mumbai police records, arranged to kill a Music company owner. Obviously they had some difference over the back ground score and the percussion to be used in the next album. Mr.Nadeem is currently enjoying his stay in London from where he continues composing music for bollywood films. He of course takes time off to fight his extradition case. He assured us back in India that he’ll return, provided he is guaranteed of justice from the Indian Courts. But the point to be noted is that on account of his wealth, he is still craving for justice. If he were a poor Aam Aadmi (mango man) he could have speedily gone to the jail. His right to use a gun shot instead of the drum as a percussion instrument is also unjustly questioned by the Mumbai police. Speaking of percussion, it should be noted that the prosecution system is heavily biased towards the Aam Aadmi and thus against the affluent.
Meanwhile the police officer who had investigated and charged the crime against this talented musician is himself now behind bar. He is facing charges of conniving and conspiring with Telgi (Tel lagi), a fake “stamp-paper printer” and “distributor”. But of course, Mr. Telgi and the officer were only helping the government by taking over the burden of printing. And the quality of print wasn’t bad either. The government was considering out-sourcing of printing of currency notes as well, when some pest in the police administration made a big issue out of it.
Speaking of police officers behind bar, Daya Nayak( compassion leader) the famous encounter specialist based on whose life, a bollywood flick, “Ab Tak Chappan’ was made, is now charged with owning assets exceeding his known sources of income. This after noon, his bail application was rejected by the Supreme Court. God knows how long this high profle man may have to wait for a proper jail term.
Another wronged man, Salman. Today at around 3 o’ clock in the afternoon, our Salman uncle was convicted of poaching Chinkara (black buck), the holy animal of the Bishnoi tribe. That’s a crime under section 6 of the Protection of Wild Life Act 1972 and the endangered black buck falls in schedule one of the Act which can invite imprisonment up to 6 yrs. But since he is a rich man with good antecedents, he was awarded one year internment and a fine of one thousand bucks (not black). The crime was committed in 1998 during the shoot of ‘Hum Saath Saath Hai....’ Even eight years later, he has not been able to take his rightful position in the jail and another eight years may lapse on account of appeals to the Sessions Court, High Court and the Supreme Court. Meanwhile he will have to act in so many films and earn so much money to fight the case. The injustice meted out to the rich and famous is enormous in India.
"The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level." Norman Mailer. ( finally a real quote!)
Maybe the Indian State literally buys this quotation and wants injustice to be meted out to the socially and economically ‘uplifted’ people. Alternatively, the rich and the famous could go to a higher plane of contemplation on account of the innumerable instances of injustice.
The rich may get food, water, electricity and what not. But a timely FIR, a proper charge sheet, a death sentence, a decent jail term, or even a fine is far beyond the reach of the richer or influential people. Their oppression and injustice is a long drawn affair. The Aam Aadmi (mango men...) meanwhile continue to get fines, death sentences, charge sheet and all other services of the State.
But the perfect Socialist State thus established in India and forever the envy of our neighbours is not entirely safe.
History has shown that the upper class youth will not bear their perceived injustice forever for the mangoes will soon be ripe....the mood is vibrant and really 'smelling' of revolution.The very same smell was evidenced in Russia and China in the last century.In Poland and Afghanistan though it did smell momentarily, some capitalist pig sprayed a deo.. In India, comrades tell me that the smell of ripe mangoes pronounce an imminent change...
After seeing “Rang de Basanti” in the multiplexes (with cola, pop corn and girl friend), the enlightened upper class youth will rise in unison to challenge this oppression perpetuated by the intolerable mango men of India.

Poo-Valentines day thoughts...

For the consumption of the inhumane and crass culture of today that is hopelessly commercialised, yet another Valentines Day has come…

Err...alternatively: This is the most beautiful occasion to express the boundless love. This is the loveliest day for it celebrates love; love which is the greatest thing on earth.

So far so good. These two opinions may peacefully co-exist since they are not about uranium enrichment or asbestos laden on a worn out ship. Nor does it concern national security or even Aiswarya Rai’s marriage. So what’s the emotive problem?

What strikes me as the problem is that most people are greatly worried as to what others are up to. Until recently I was under the impression that Indians alone had this problem. (A few years back I thought it was the prerogative of us, Mallus.) Now, I’m convinced squarely that it’s a universal phenomenon like corruption. Thus, it’s an individual’s birth right to peep into another fellow’s affairs and direct him on how he is to lead his personal life. It is from this fundamental right that other major rights flow…..

The right to regulate any stranger’s love life is one of the most widely respected and acknowledged rights read into the above mentioned fundamental right to peep. The International Covenant on Peeping Rights (ICPR, 1742) confers wide ranging powers on peepers and intruders. This unwritten but well un-codified, ever- amendable document is available with all ‘concerned’ citizens and policemen of the cultural variety. The renowned sociologist and my friend, Prof. Duryodhan Nambiar says

“This is a sociological phenomenon, whereby the leaders in a society lay down ground rules for observance by its members. Now the identity or leadership or power within a society is at all times a fluctuating parameter. Presently in India, we can sense this tug of war between the so called liberal leftists and the right wing.”

Dr. Kulsitha Kusumam of Koylandi University adds that we are actually witnessing a fascist renaissance of weird kind where one witnesses intolerance both on the leftist-liberal wing and the right wing. The positions they take may be totally irrelevant to their ideology or historical background. The post-modern era lacks idealistic ideology (not even in religion). One can see contradictory stances and shifting of positions. In short, do not think that they mean what they say. Let me illustrate.

While a few declare their right to celebrate Valentines Day, the ‘dignified’ cultured guys go around bashing up those who dare to declare their love on this particular day. (It doesn’t matter if it’s done the next day or the next week end…) The channels make it a point to some how create some news about lovers being anxious of attacks, with the camera generally focusing on the petite beautiful things who screech about their right to love Sanju, Banti and Munna…
The liberals in Europe wish to exercise their right to portray prophets and goddesses in ‘disturbing’ attires, only to periodically establish their right to expression. Then the ‘conservative right’ emerges to demolish Consulates. (How very peaceful and thoughtful of them.) Even ‘non-prophet organisations’ like the left have condemned the Danish cartoons. So liberalism means two things in two places.

You might recall that the Indian left was staunchly against fashion shows and commercial marketing gimmicks like Valentines Day, until, lo and behold, they found that the saffron sadhus were opposed to such dirty ‘firangi’ practices. Then came the great leftist reformation. Now they are in the forefront to protect our rights to expose ourselves from the medieval age barbaric non-secular animals. (God! We are saved.)

Now, if I mention the shifts and contradictions of the right wing desi babus, I’ll exhaust my web space. Reading “The Hindu” would suffice. The conclusion is that the parties to the controversies never ever had any real logical position. They fight is for no cause, but for maintaining their respective position or to improve upon it.

The vital conclusion is that each one of them directly or indirectly asserts it’s right to control and peep into other’s lives. Even those who outwardly seem to argue for individual rights actually seek to control and subjugate individuals vide ICPR, 1742. So, be it leftism or rightism, let us all beware.

And remember, Lord Lettitglow, the patron saint of this blog had once said,
"If your're too open minded, your brains will fall out."

Pressure to Bare

From reliable sources in Pakistan, I've learnt that Team India misses Ganguly very badly. Really.

Dravid with the "perfectly dressed up gentleman" image can hardly do justice to the poor and semi nude millions in Bharat.Pressure is mounting on the team management to either reduce the clothing of the team or atleast put them off occassionally. (The picture above was released to the media to contain criticism.)

For those who are uninformed, Dravid was under immense pressure to bare his back during the first ODI in Pakistan if he wanted to keep his captaincy. After all, that was the only way to exhibit team spirit.

As we all know Prince Ganguly was inspired by Gandhian principles when he decided to gently and delicately remove the foreign material on his back and then joyfully proceed to rotate it clock-wise thrice and then 'aunty-clock wise' for half an hour, until he was pulled to the ground by a joyous Kaif ( no no...not Katrina) who had meanwhile won the match for India in the Natwest series.Ganguly had all along superstitiously maintained an odd catatonic body posture in the pavallion so as to ensure the win.Commentators were quick to point out the significance of such a gesture on the part of the captain.So...so what? Isn't this old stuff?

Well, old times are coming back to haunt...Dravid muct be ruing the fact that he didn't show the wisdom to remove his shirt at that point of time. Thus he lost a chance to prove that he is a 'moving' force who leads from the front with bared chests.( Besides his fairer fans would've been delighted!) After he was made the captain, he had so many chances to remove and rotate his shirt. Poor man didn't utilise them either...

In this context we have to observe that even the pakistani cricketers and media persons are showering praise on Ganguly and his 'sportman spirit'. They also make it a point to educate poor Dravid to show team spirit and sportsmanship by not appealing against the Paki team. Little does he realise that good sporting relations are built upon defeats incurred and not wins registered. I would like to recall India's first tour of South Africa after the fall of Apartheid where we ensured good relations are built upon failures amassed by our team. (All that was spoiled a decade later by the meddling Delhi Police who brought out the Cronje tapes.)

Under the above circumstances, it is humbly submitted that Rahul Dravid take the following measures if he wants to maintain his captaincy:

Reduce clothing by 20% and introduce ritual rotation of clothes in air before and after the game.

Repeat unconsciously and ritually, every minute after the game that 'the boys did a great job'. This helps to project yourself as the lone man among the boys.( boys...eh.. in their thirties!)

The above measures should be undertaken whether the team wins or loses.

Then, appoint an empowered committe to scrutinise all appeals proposed against the opposition whose recommendations shall be forwarded to the Team sub committee whose report shall be sent to the North Bloc in New Delhi. The Foreign Ministry shall then conduct an opinion survey in the media, especially in the rival country upon which the Team Manager shall be forwarded a mandatory order from the Under Secretary in the Ministry. All these shall ofcourse should be implemented without affecting the beauty of the game.

And finally, daily recite Ganguly Chalisa which praises the erswhile captain and tells us all how much we miss him.

These are necessary to peacefully conduct captaincy in a country which thinks that every cricketer needs to be fired until of course he is really fired.