Friday, February 24, 2006

Buddha's Delight


From time immemorial I was a pure veggie. Then on a historic day, that my mother did not care to record, I became a non-veg eater. This happened in the late eighties. But in the mid nineties, I reverted to vegetarianism upon seeing gruesome pictures of butchered cows and goats. As a child, my heart bled for those animals and I joined PETA. Maneka Gandhi even wrote me a letter.
After six long years of vegetarianism, one fine evening I turned into a chicken eater.
That was in Bangalore. My friend and I were the only mallu male students in the batch and we happened to be the darlings of the senior mallu chechis. They found their long lost kumbh-mela brothers in both of us. One evening, a ChechiX, (name withheld) decided to throw a special party to celebrate her engagement.(The sad part of the story is that Chechi’s engagement very soon broke up. She eloped with a computer operator without finishing her house-sourgeoncy…) This wonderful Chechi had a prominent role in dismantling the viswamitra in me who had resisted temptations of chick(en). From then on, for months on end, I conducted a Digvijaya, pouncing upon all varieties of chicken.
Finally on an unrecorded date, I again became a vegetarian after seeing cages full of poultry pushed and shoved into a truck. I was reformed. If I had seen anything more I might have stopped eating completely and taken sanyas. I was reminded of Sidhartha Gautama who lived in the 6th Century BC. History repeats itself, very true.
Unlike the Buddha, my reformation was short lived. The period of sinning too was short lived as I found an article by Maneka Gandhi so moving that I quit non-veg food completely. For three months, precisely. Then I started eating chicken and quit reading Maneka Gandhi completely.
You must nevertheless understand that I never venture out on my own to start sinning. But once the first sin (aadi paapam) is committed, I’m very good at sustaining it. By now, I had learnt that to continue as a sinner, one should avoid looking at unpleasant sights and stop reading uneasy articles. One can train the senses and the memory not to disturb our conscience. It is an art. I entered the new Millennium as a confident sinner against the winged species.
In my gastronomic career, my greatest enemies were my own friends who poke fun at me during my non-veg period by quoting my own ‘great advices’ rendered during the veggie era. And when you are running a veggie period its very authenticity is put in question. The past few years saw me function as a troubled pendulum. The frequency was/is however undetermined. ChechiX and Maneka Gandhi are infact two symbols of culinary beliefs fighting within my subconscious mind.
“So, what is your current status?” When I dine with my friends I’m confronted with this wicked question and I can sense the iniquitous humour in the question. They term my frequent shifts in culinary habits as ‘chicken hearted’. That’s okay with me. Speaking of current status, I was a pure sincere vegetarian until I dug my teeth into chicken at my cousin’s marriage last week. (anyone tasted Thalassery Biriyani? Nothing like it.) There after I continued my sinning spree for the next two days…was just beginning to enjoy.
And then bird flu hit India :-(

Monday, February 20, 2006

The Holy Biography of a Donkey


Once upon a time there was a donkey who lived in a jungle by the riverside. The donkey had many friends.

Many of his friends were vultures and eagles. One of the vultures went as far as Nepal to learn tearing flesh. Many of his other friends were foxes who chased ambulances.
An ostrich was also his friend. He was employed as an officer in the Lion King’s police force. Another friend was a mongoose who was a software engineer in the forest across the river. Many migratory birds who studied with him were now settled across the river. They also claimed to be in software profession. Another un-identified animal, though not a bird, was associated with flying objects.

The donkey initially joined a course to become a vulture. But since he was a donkey, he left the course mid way. The donkey was also trained to chase ambulances. Again, since he was a donkey, he felt he should not behave like a fox.

The donkey always felt that he should be employed by the Lion. Finally the Lion called him for an interview. Throughout the interview, the donkey brayed to entertain the roaring lion. But since he proved to be an excellent donkey, the lion did not appoint him.

The next year, the donkey prayed that he be given another chance by the Lion King. The buffalo who loved the donkey prayed to the God of the Jungle. The buffalo also firmly believed that the donkey was capable of getting the job with the Lion King.

The question before us now is:
Was the buffalo also becoming a donkey…?

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Aam Aadmi Ki Baath


SCENE 1:The cabinet minister in charge of backward classes in Uttar Pradesh, routinely smuggles narcotic drugs to Delhi in his official car; and he charges a reasonable amount of 20 lakhs for transporting 1crore worth of drugs in a single consignment. He admitted so on TV in yet another cash-on-cam exposure by CNN-IBN channel.
SCENE 2: The Minister-cum-smuggler cannot be dropped from the ministry, informs the Chief Minister, since a Committee appointed by the Speaker has to first investigate and submit a report. The CM has promptly sent a letter to the Honourable Speaker, of course through proper channel, requesting him to appoint a Committee to investigate the issue.
Now, can you just imagine the dimensions of injustice meted out to this Minister?
The poor man will have to continue as a minister without getting speedy justice. Ordinary people however would have got instant dismissal and remand to jail. You see, India’s system is heavily loaded in favour of the Aam Aadmi (also referred to as Mango man). it doesn't provide timely justice to the previleged.
This is despite what the government refers to as democratisation of all sectors including crime. We have given the criminal elements an equal say in the maintenance of law and order while other nations have always ignored their rights, instead solely focusing on the policemen. We’ve also voted the criminals into the Assemblies and the Parliament and then proceeded to make them Ministers. It ensured direct democracy to the most under-represented group, viz. criminals.Previleged criminals continue to remain the target of injustice as they do not get their rightful government accomodation and food.All these steps have empowered the Aam Aadmi (mango man again) and reduced the voice of the wealthy classes in governance.
The World Bank funded developmental loans have always referred to consultation and involvement of the affected parties and stake holders. Non-governmental organisations (NGOs) are to be actively involved in all activities including crime. According to an unnamed official, India has now successfully developed an implementation model of these proposals in both letter and spirit. According to Prof. Duryodhan Nambiar, noted management expert, this could also be seen from a system- perspective and be labelled as a bottom up approach where the ugly bottom of the society is displayed prominently. (Ugly is a subjective concept and it lies in the eyes of the beholder. It is also a relative concept. For example, if the top is uglier, the bottom becomes pretty.)
But as explained below, the system is favouring a section called the Aam Aadmi.( mango men) Injustice is rampant in every sector of the society as far as other sections are concerned. Though we have succeeded in introducing crime in the entertainment industry, we have not yet succeeded in ensuring speedy justice to the protagonists at the top. And at the top it is pretty lonely.
We’ve a famous music director by name of Nadeem, who as per Mumbai police records, arranged to kill a Music company owner. Obviously they had some difference over the back ground score and the percussion to be used in the next album. Mr.Nadeem is currently enjoying his stay in London from where he continues composing music for bollywood films. He of course takes time off to fight his extradition case. He assured us back in India that he’ll return, provided he is guaranteed of justice from the Indian Courts. But the point to be noted is that on account of his wealth, he is still craving for justice. If he were a poor Aam Aadmi (mango man) he could have speedily gone to the jail. His right to use a gun shot instead of the drum as a percussion instrument is also unjustly questioned by the Mumbai police. Speaking of percussion, it should be noted that the prosecution system is heavily biased towards the Aam Aadmi and thus against the affluent.
Meanwhile the police officer who had investigated and charged the crime against this talented musician is himself now behind bar. He is facing charges of conniving and conspiring with Telgi (Tel lagi), a fake “stamp-paper printer” and “distributor”. But of course, Mr. Telgi and the officer were only helping the government by taking over the burden of printing. And the quality of print wasn’t bad either. The government was considering out-sourcing of printing of currency notes as well, when some pest in the police administration made a big issue out of it.
Speaking of police officers behind bar, Daya Nayak( compassion leader) the famous encounter specialist based on whose life, a bollywood flick, “Ab Tak Chappan’ was made, is now charged with owning assets exceeding his known sources of income. This after noon, his bail application was rejected by the Supreme Court. God knows how long this high profle man may have to wait for a proper jail term.
Another wronged man, Salman. Today at around 3 o’ clock in the afternoon, our Salman uncle was convicted of poaching Chinkara (black buck), the holy animal of the Bishnoi tribe. That’s a crime under section 6 of the Protection of Wild Life Act 1972 and the endangered black buck falls in schedule one of the Act which can invite imprisonment up to 6 yrs. But since he is a rich man with good antecedents, he was awarded one year internment and a fine of one thousand bucks (not black). The crime was committed in 1998 during the shoot of ‘Hum Saath Saath Hai....’ Even eight years later, he has not been able to take his rightful position in the jail and another eight years may lapse on account of appeals to the Sessions Court, High Court and the Supreme Court. Meanwhile he will have to act in so many films and earn so much money to fight the case. The injustice meted out to the rich and famous is enormous in India.
"The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level." Norman Mailer. ( finally a real quote!)
Maybe the Indian State literally buys this quotation and wants injustice to be meted out to the socially and economically ‘uplifted’ people. Alternatively, the rich and the famous could go to a higher plane of contemplation on account of the innumerable instances of injustice.
The rich may get food, water, electricity and what not. But a timely FIR, a proper charge sheet, a death sentence, a decent jail term, or even a fine is far beyond the reach of the richer or influential people. Their oppression and injustice is a long drawn affair. The Aam Aadmi (mango men...) meanwhile continue to get fines, death sentences, charge sheet and all other services of the State.
But the perfect Socialist State thus established in India and forever the envy of our neighbours is not entirely safe.
History has shown that the upper class youth will not bear their perceived injustice forever for the mangoes will soon be ripe....the mood is vibrant and really 'smelling' of revolution.The very same smell was evidenced in Russia and China in the last century.In Poland and Afghanistan though it did smell momentarily, some capitalist pig sprayed a deo.. In India, comrades tell me that the smell of ripe mangoes pronounce an imminent change...
After seeing “Rang de Basanti” in the multiplexes (with cola, pop corn and girl friend), the enlightened upper class youth will rise in unison to challenge this oppression perpetuated by the intolerable mango men of India.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Poo-Valentines day thoughts...


For the consumption of the inhumane and crass culture of today that is hopelessly commercialised, yet another Valentines Day has come…

Err...alternatively: This is the most beautiful occasion to express the boundless love. This is the loveliest day for it celebrates love; love which is the greatest thing on earth.

So far so good. These two opinions may peacefully co-exist since they are not about uranium enrichment or asbestos laden on a worn out ship. Nor does it concern national security or even Aiswarya Rai’s marriage. So what’s the emotive problem?

What strikes me as the problem is that most people are greatly worried as to what others are up to. Until recently I was under the impression that Indians alone had this problem. (A few years back I thought it was the prerogative of us, Mallus.) Now, I’m convinced squarely that it’s a universal phenomenon like corruption. Thus, it’s an individual’s birth right to peep into another fellow’s affairs and direct him on how he is to lead his personal life. It is from this fundamental right that other major rights flow…..

The right to regulate any stranger’s love life is one of the most widely respected and acknowledged rights read into the above mentioned fundamental right to peep. The International Covenant on Peeping Rights (ICPR, 1742) confers wide ranging powers on peepers and intruders. This unwritten but well un-codified, ever- amendable document is available with all ‘concerned’ citizens and policemen of the cultural variety. The renowned sociologist and my friend, Prof. Duryodhan Nambiar says

“This is a sociological phenomenon, whereby the leaders in a society lay down ground rules for observance by its members. Now the identity or leadership or power within a society is at all times a fluctuating parameter. Presently in India, we can sense this tug of war between the so called liberal leftists and the right wing.”

Dr. Kulsitha Kusumam of Koylandi University adds that we are actually witnessing a fascist renaissance of weird kind where one witnesses intolerance both on the leftist-liberal wing and the right wing. The positions they take may be totally irrelevant to their ideology or historical background. The post-modern era lacks idealistic ideology (not even in religion). One can see contradictory stances and shifting of positions. In short, do not think that they mean what they say. Let me illustrate.

While a few declare their right to celebrate Valentines Day, the ‘dignified’ cultured guys go around bashing up those who dare to declare their love on this particular day. (It doesn’t matter if it’s done the next day or the next week end…) The channels make it a point to some how create some news about lovers being anxious of attacks, with the camera generally focusing on the petite beautiful things who screech about their right to love Sanju, Banti and Munna…
The liberals in Europe wish to exercise their right to portray prophets and goddesses in ‘disturbing’ attires, only to periodically establish their right to expression. Then the ‘conservative right’ emerges to demolish Consulates. (How very peaceful and thoughtful of them.) Even ‘non-prophet organisations’ like the left have condemned the Danish cartoons. So liberalism means two things in two places.

You might recall that the Indian left was staunchly against fashion shows and commercial marketing gimmicks like Valentines Day, until, lo and behold, they found that the saffron sadhus were opposed to such dirty ‘firangi’ practices. Then came the great leftist reformation. Now they are in the forefront to protect our rights to expose ourselves from the medieval age barbaric non-secular animals. (God! We are saved.)

Now, if I mention the shifts and contradictions of the right wing desi babus, I’ll exhaust my web space. Reading “The Hindu” would suffice. The conclusion is that the parties to the controversies never ever had any real logical position. They fight is for no cause, but for maintaining their respective position or to improve upon it.

The vital conclusion is that each one of them directly or indirectly asserts it’s right to control and peep into other’s lives. Even those who outwardly seem to argue for individual rights actually seek to control and subjugate individuals vide ICPR, 1742. So, be it leftism or rightism, let us all beware.

And remember, Lord Lettitglow, the patron saint of this blog had once said,
"If your're too open minded, your brains will fall out."

Monday, February 13, 2006

Pressure to Bare


From reliable sources in Pakistan, I've learnt that Team India misses Ganguly very badly. Really.

Dravid with the "perfectly dressed up gentleman" image can hardly do justice to the poor and semi nude millions in Bharat.Pressure is mounting on the team management to either reduce the clothing of the team or atleast put them off occassionally. (The picture above was released to the media to contain criticism.)

For those who are uninformed, Dravid was under immense pressure to bare his back during the first ODI in Pakistan if he wanted to keep his captaincy. After all, that was the only way to exhibit team spirit.

As we all know Prince Ganguly was inspired by Gandhian principles when he decided to gently and delicately remove the foreign material on his back and then joyfully proceed to rotate it clock-wise thrice and then 'aunty-clock wise' for half an hour, until he was pulled to the ground by a joyous Kaif ( no no...not Katrina) who had meanwhile won the match for India in the Natwest series.Ganguly had all along superstitiously maintained an odd catatonic body posture in the pavallion so as to ensure the win.Commentators were quick to point out the significance of such a gesture on the part of the captain.So...so what? Isn't this old stuff?

Well, old times are coming back to haunt...Dravid muct be ruing the fact that he didn't show the wisdom to remove his shirt at that point of time. Thus he lost a chance to prove that he is a 'moving' force who leads from the front with bared chests.( Besides his fairer fans would've been delighted!) After he was made the captain, he had so many chances to remove and rotate his shirt. Poor man didn't utilise them either...

In this context we have to observe that even the pakistani cricketers and media persons are showering praise on Ganguly and his 'sportman spirit'. They also make it a point to educate poor Dravid to show team spirit and sportsmanship by not appealing against the Paki team. Little does he realise that good sporting relations are built upon defeats incurred and not wins registered. I would like to recall India's first tour of South Africa after the fall of Apartheid where we ensured good relations are built upon failures amassed by our team. (All that was spoiled a decade later by the meddling Delhi Police who brought out the Cronje tapes.)

Under the above circumstances, it is humbly submitted that Rahul Dravid take the following measures if he wants to maintain his captaincy:

Reduce clothing by 20% and introduce ritual rotation of clothes in air before and after the game.

Repeat unconsciously and ritually, every minute after the game that 'the boys did a great job'. This helps to project yourself as the lone man among the boys.( boys...eh.. in their thirties!)

The above measures should be undertaken whether the team wins or loses.

Then, appoint an empowered committe to scrutinise all appeals proposed against the opposition whose recommendations shall be forwarded to the Team sub committee whose report shall be sent to the North Bloc in New Delhi. The Foreign Ministry shall then conduct an opinion survey in the media, especially in the rival country upon which the Team Manager shall be forwarded a mandatory order from the Under Secretary in the Ministry. All these shall ofcourse should be implemented without affecting the beauty of the game.

And finally, daily recite Ganguly Chalisa which praises the erswhile captain and tells us all how much we miss him.

These are necessary to peacefully conduct captaincy in a country which thinks that every cricketer needs to be fired until of course he is really fired.